I hate weddings. Seriously, it’s not that I don’t want to share in your joy that you’ve found “the one” (a fact which when you’re about to sign those divorce papers I’ll thoughtfully not remind you of) but because when you decide to have a huge wedding you just cause a world of pain to people like me.
Let me explain..
First up…I don’t want to buy you a gift. Especially not when I’ve spent three figures on a dress, visited the hairdressers, nail salon, beauty parlor and then gone and taken out a mortgage just to be able to afford a single glass of chardonnay at the ridiculously over priced hotel that you’ve deemed necessary to have as your venue. I especially won’t be giving you cash…my very presence at your wedding should be gift enough and the way I will combat the “We have everything we need (because we’re smug twats) but we’d love some cash” requests will be to jot down the amount of cash it’s cost me to look semi decent in YOUR wedding photos in that meaningful card that I’d have lovingly picked out.
Secondly, if you’re single at a wedding it’s a freaking nightmare. This could be just limited to my family – although I suspect not. Having that “so when are you going to get married” question fired at you from every angle is bad enough if you’ve got a partner but when you’ve no one and there’s possibly no actual chance of you finding anyone half decent in the near future it’s even more depressing. Plus then you have the remixed version of “oh you’re single? Oh never mind you may meet the man of your dreams here tonight”. NO, no I won’t. Mainly because this room is filled with 50% of my family and secondly (and I take this from my own personal goings on at the moment) the bride and groom are THAT much younger than me that if I were going to attempt to find a mate in this hyped up over priced jungle I’d be looking at signing some register somewhere. Ridiculous thing to say. End of.
I’m thinking of lying when I’m asked this question at my baby cousins wedding tomorrow, I may take time out of my “drinking lots of vodka” session to make up Mr Perfect, of course he’ll be rich, hot and totally amazing and unable to attend the wedding because he’s doing outreach work in the third world, helping those less fortunate than himself (maybe throw in a few lines how the cost of just one glass of wine could actually build a whole village). I’ll be honest, I’ve already got my perfect wedding planned out in my head (no you’re not invited) and I know what I’d like my future groom to look like so it’ll be pretty easy to go along with the lie and at the end I could maybe just blame artistic license? What do you think??
And finally, (because really I could go on all day about what’s wrong with weddings) and I know, I know this is nitpicking now but still hugely annoying. Soup! Why does every single wedding breakfast menu include soup to start? A hundred people in an enclosed space slurrrrrrrrrpppping soup. I don’t even need to elaborate on that, because you know what I mean don’t you?? The kind of noise that makes you want to drive your bread knife in to your own ears just to stop the pain.
So, with that, I’d like to get my happy face on, practice walking in my highest heels and work on my “perfect boyfriend” alibi – can’t leave that to chance.
